Breaking Free from the ‘Good Girl’ Trap: How to Stop Pleasing and Start Living
People-pleasing might seem harmless—after all, what’s wrong with being nice and thinking about others?
A lot of us grew up being told to be quiet, to play nice, and to always, always, think about others before ourselves…
We were rewarded for taking up as little space as possible and being kind, compassionate, and apologetic—even when someone else was totally out of line. Sound familiar?
If this resonates with you, it’s probably no surprise that so many of us turn into people pleasers as adults. We’ve been conditioned to believe that being ‘good’ means putting everyone else first, even if it means sacrificing our own happiness. But guess what? That mindset keeps us small, trapped, and feeling like a sidekick in someone else’s story.
Why People-Pleasing Keeps You Stuck
People-pleasing might seem harmless—after all, what’s wrong with being nice and thinking about others? But when we shrink ourselves, we dim our light and we live a smaller life than the one that is calling us. Constantly putting others’ needs ahead of our own, can leave us feeling stuck, unfulfilled and even resentful towards others — including those we love.
The root of people-pleasing often lies in the fear of disappointing others, but this fear can paralyse you, making it difficult to live authentically. As visionary anthropologist Ashley Montagu once said, “The forms of behaviour which characterise us as human beings are determined by the socialisation process we undergo, the cultural conditioning in which we are moulded, the customs by which we are all made." Our ability to learn from others is what makes us uniquely human, but it also leaves us vulnerable to adopting harmful mindsets. Montagu warns that "to be human is to be in danger, for we can easily be taught many wrong and unsound things."
Here’s the thing: Trusting your own inner wisdom can feel terrifying, especially when it goes against everything you’ve been taught. We’ve spent years perfecting the role of ‘The Good Girl,’ and letting go of that label can feel downright scary.
The Actor's Dilemma: Navigating the Trap of People-Pleasing
In the world of acting and performing, where success often hinges on the approval of directors, producers, and audiences, the temptation to become a people-pleaser is strong. The very nature of the craft—adapting oneself to fit different roles, embodying various characters, and constantly seeking validation—can blur the lines between professional commitment and unhealthy self-sacrifice. People-pleasing, in essence, is the act of prioritising others' approval over one's own needs, desires, and well-being. It's about moulding yourself to fit others' expectations and fearing rejection to the point of compromising your authenticity. For actors, this behaviour can be particularly insidious. The constant need for roles, the competitive nature of the industry, and the pressure to be liked can easily push actors into the people-pleasing trap.
But why is this so dangerous for actors? Because the essence of good acting is authenticity. When an actor becomes more concerned with pleasing others than staying true to themselves, they risk losing the very thing that makes their performances compelling—their unique voice and perspective.
Actors and performers who are always striving to meet others' demands—whether it’s juggling competing demands (such as caring responsibilities alongside last-minute self-tape requests), accepting roles that don’t resonate with them, or constantly seeking approval from their peers—can quickly become exhausted. This not only affects your mental and emotional well-being but also your ability to perform at your best.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
So how do we stop being a people-pleaser? And btw I get it— because I was that girl too! And truth be told, I’m still working on it (because let’s face it, breaking these habits isn’t a linear path). But here’s what I’ve learned: Being a free woman means being firm and unapologetic about your boundaries, especially when someone disrespects you. It means saying ‘NO’ even if it might hurt someone’s feelings.
It’s about prioritising your needs and trusting that your way is the right way, even if it takes you off the beaten path. And let’s be clear—this isn’t just about women. People-pleasing can affect anyone, regardless of gender.
Letting Go of the ‘Good Girl’ Label
Now, I’m not going to sugarcoat it—letting go of the ‘Good Girl’ label can feel really uncomfortable. But it’s also incredibly freeing. When you start listening to your own voice, you realise that you deserve to be the main character in your life.
So, how do you start? Begin by recognising when you’re saying ‘yes’ out of obligation rather than genuine desire. Practice setting boundaries, even if it’s just in small ways at first. And most importantly, give yourself permission to take up space and assert your needs.
Here are some practical examples of how to set boundaries in different areas of your life:
Saying No to Unwanted Plans: If a friend invites you to an event you’re not interested in, you might say, “Thank you for inviting me, but I’m going to pass this time. I need some time to recharge.”
Communicating Emotional Needs: If a conversation with a loved one is heading in a direction that makes you uncomfortable, you could say, “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic right now. Can we talk about something else?”
Limiting After-Hours Work Communication: If your boss or colleagues regularly contact you outside of work hours, you could set a boundary by saying, “I’m happy to discuss this during work hours, but I’m not available after 6 pm.”
Take Up Space: Don’t be afraid to assert your needs on set or in rehearsals. Your voice matters—you don’t need to shrink yourself to make others comfortable.
Unplugging from Devices: Set a rule for yourself like, “I won’t check work emails after 8 pm,” or “I’ll take a social media break on weekends.”
Setting Time Limits for Visits: If family visits are draining, you can say, “I’d love to see you, but I only have a couple of hours free on Saturday.”
Splitting Costs: When dining out with friends, you might establish the expectation upfront by saying, “Let’s split the bill evenly, or each pay for what we ordered.”
Managing Toxic Relationships: If someone consistently brings negativity into your life, you might limit contact or say, “I need to take a step back from this relationship for my own well-being.”
Expressing Discomfort: If someone’s behaviour makes you uncomfortable, address it by saying, “When you [describe the behaviour], it makes me feel [describe your feeling]. I’d appreciate it if you could [suggest an alternative].”
Why It’s Worth It
Letting go of people-pleasing habits isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. You’ll find that when you start living for yourself, your confidence grows, and you begin to attract relationships and opportunities that truly align with who you are.
So, take a deep breath, and remember: You don’t have to be ‘The Good Girl’ anymore. You have the power to set boundaries, to say no, and to trust your own path. It might feel unfamiliar at first, but I promise you—it’s a journey worth taking.
If you’re ready to break free from the ‘Good Girl’ trap and start living life on your terms, I’m here to help. Through personalised one-to-one coaching, I can guide you in setting strong boundaries, overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and embracing your true self.
Let’s work together to transform your life. Reach out today to take the first step towards becoming the confident, empowered woman you’re meant to be.
Photo by Karina via Pexels